On Navigating Multiple Energies
January 19, 2019
As I sat in bed this morning, I had an unexpected revelation. I had woken up feeling heavy, and instead of feeling defeated without clear solutions, I remembered my teacher’s advice: “Sarah, you have to accept your masterhood now; you already hold all the answers”. So I consciously chose to go within. I put my tanpura app (music drone) on and what started off as aums eventually sprang into light musings — movement lightly punctuated by series of notes.
The notes led me to certain phrases. And again I could hear my teacher’s reminder to try to hear the phrase before executing. So I listened and sang the phrases a few times, giving focus to the timings of each phrase. Once again I could hear some phrases as if they were in water: each subsequent note bringing presence into a different buoyancy, a different plane and feeling. Each phrase has its own unique timing and the key is to be the vessel which holds the space, so that each phrase is allowed to start and end wherever and whenever it likes.
I suddenly realized that music can be the incredible means by which we experience the convergence of time and space. I feel like I touched theiceberg but at least I know it’s there. Timing we often think of as something linear, like a steady marking. Yet space and time really are connected. You cannot sing a succession of notes at any pace you wish. The space you hold dictates the timing in which it is carried out. The sound must be born of multi directions. Time may mark the notes, as if greeting them to say, “Oh, here you are”; however, space provides and at the same time is the primordial substance out of which notes are born.
Then, I saw an image of the pisces constellation (my rising sun zodiac), which is traditionally depicted as two fish swimming in opposite directions. I raised my hands and faced them towards each other as if they were the two fish. I realized the relationship between them does not consist of their moving in opposite directions, but only appears so. In order to hold the opposing forces, we simply need to see the two fish are actually part of a greater circle; they’re essentially in orbit. Just like when we say a planet travels in retrograde, yet we know it’s a play in perception; similarly, if we step back and expand our perspective, we suddenly see the two fish were part of one current all along.
I finally see that in order to hold the many seemingly opposing aspects of my life, I need to continuously expand enough to encompass all theenergies. When I look at my life I can see it directionally: From Korea to US, to Korea, to Europe, to India, to the US, etc. But beyond geographical direction, I also see the toll the deeper journey has taken on myself - the constant inner restlessness and battle I’ve fought with myself. Like Voldemort (yes, I’m quoting Harry Potter), I’ve countlessly tried to split myself into pieces, cutting off those aspects and those experiences or people who tug at me. Even if we attempt to photoshop out the unwanted parts of ourselves and our lives, they will always be there. Instead, I am beginning to see that I am being called to awaken the courage to expand incessantly — to raise my consciousness and continue to create equilibrium. How to hold the strong with the subtle, balance the exclamation with the quiet acceptance, and merge the inner and outer… this is thelife for which I’m living.